There are more and more people who call themselves coaches — and a never-ending amount of self-help offers. Lately it seems like there’s messages all around us about a new course, program, coach, therapeutic modality and transformative work that can get us that ultimate feeling of self-mastery.
Everywhere you turn, you’ll find someone saying that because they figured out this one life hack, their life now is totally different and they’ve never looked back. And now, they want to teach us to do the same.
But does it really work that way? Do we really transform? Does the transformation stick? Are we officially done with and over that problem for good?
Or we are being scammed by testimonials of people in near-orgasmic states of tranquility and success who want to fool us into spending more money hoping that the next program will finally help us feel better, happier, and more confident?
If you’ve found yourself skeptical of all this inner work, you’re not alone. I was in the beginning and I still am now of some of the magical “fixes” I see being offered. But before I get into what I’ve learned through my journey, I’d like to start off by laying down some definitions to make sure we are all in the same conversation. Then I’ll share a personal story to make my case.
Inner work refers to the exploration of personal beliefs about the self, how the world works and our behavior. Also, it could be referred to as the unpacking of the baggage we’ve accumulated from the earlier days of our existence. I like to think of it in terms of technology. We came to this life with a set of hardware like a computer. And we also came with a software which is our operating system like Windows. Our upbringing was shaping our software and laying the foundation for how our computer works.
So how does personal development work that promises transformation measure up? Does it really work with updating our software?
Well, a few months ago, I got to test all that I’ve learned.
It was a Wednesday, and I remember that it looked beautiful and sunny outside. Yet, I woke up feeling not happy. I started the day with a heaviness on my chess and as the day progressed my levels of anxiety increased.
It all had to do with a text message that I wasn’t getting back.
My thoughts started to spiral down. My inner monologue was getting worse by the minute. I went outside to my balcony for a midday workout hoping to shake off these feelings and the uneasiness that was weighing on me, but I caught myself spiraling even further.I was thinking things like:
Of course this will happen to me.
I never have it easy with dating.
Why does it have to be so hard?
I had recently met someone who I was really excited to get to know. We both shared that we are feeling a crazy level of connection on multiple levels. Out of nowhere, he was getting distant and that stirred up some of my old baggage that I had worked on for a long time. I used to feel a sense of rejection if friends or dates canceled plans, didn’t prioritize me or if I wasn’t invited somewhere. I had worked hard on releasing this ultra sensitivity that used to bring me so much pain. And yet today, out of nowhere, I was starting to feel those old feelings of victimhood and pain resurface just because someone hasn’t asked me out again.
I checked my period app — I wasn’t PMS-ing or ovulating. I was well-fed and well-rested. I had no excuse for my state of being. I tried to rationally talk myself out of this frustration with all the techniques I’ve learned for the 5+ years of intense inner work BUT nothing was working.
Landmark leadership courses, energy healing, life coaching, business coaching, dozens of personal development and spiritual books, sound healing classes, breath work — you name it, I’ve probably done it. All my coaches were praising me for my hard work and for how far I’ve come. But there I was, a life coach myself, on my balcony, trying to lift weights, having a pity party.
I wanted to call both of my coaches and tell them to fuck off. None of this shit works. Why am I so upset over this feeling of disappointment? Why are old wounds resurfacing? Wasn’t I done with that lesson?
I kept thinking, “I’m such a loser. I’ve been on more than 50 first dates. If anyone can be great at dating, it should be me damn it!”
At some point I remembered a spiritual audio book from Abraham Hicks that had said something about how on certain days nothing will work to get you out of your stinking thinking and you’ll have to write off the day. Only sleep can reboot your buggy computer.
So somehow I made it through the day and went to bed as early as I could. I was so over feeling disappointed and frustrated with my life. At the very least, I remembered not to take any action from such a negative state.
When I woke up the next day, I landed my feet on the ground and remembered to check in with how I was feeling. And I’m happy to say that I felt great! My normal “me” was back. Happy and optimistic, loving my life! Yes! Thank God I was feeling so good.
For me, the goal of doing inner work Life is to feel as good as much as I possibly can. It’s about closing tabs on my browser as soon as I am done with them and not let negative things drain energy in the background. Inner work is not about full self-mastery and never experiencing pain again, but the progress we make. If it was 5 years ago, I’ll be stewing over the same issue for months. Where now, most things wouldn’t rob me of my joy for more than a few hours or a day. And a lot fewer things have the power to knock me off my bliss.
So I’ll leave you with this: Inner work won’t always save your ass from bad days.
Sometimes it will straight up fail you and you’ll be angry at it. But the rest of the time, it will free you from the chains of broken software and viruses and too many open tabs. Doing the inner work is not about perfection, it’s about progress. It’s not about self-mastery, but self-awareness. You may not completely get rid of your baggage but you can decrease it to carry-on size.
I’ll finish with this quote: “Heal so you can hear what’s being said without the filter of your wound.” Even after a few bad days, I still think that’s something worth striving for.
How to Hire a Business Coach – What to look for (and what to avoid)
Starting and owning a business goes beyond having a career. I believe it’s a spiritual journey as well. As business owners, we are regularly faced with unexpected challenges that can feel overwhelming, confusing, stressful, and lonely to navigate — but it doesn’t have to be!
Each challenge is an invitation to grow. And if you want to grow your business, you’ll be forced to grow personally as well. You have to be willing to discover new things about yourself and achieve greater heights of self-awareness. All that growing and changing isn’t easy, and the right coach can be an excellent partner for your journey.
Having a coach by your side is not only a great investment for your business, it’s a great investment for your personal development too. I’ve been a business coach for 3+years,, and these are the most common benefits I’ve seen:
Clarity on the direction of your life and business (the vision), why you are doing it (your motivation) and how you are going to achieve your goals (the plan)
Support and accountability
An ongoing conversation about improving your business and life
Troubleshooting for all the things that come up on your journey
A safe space to vent and talk business all you need (yes, your friends are over listening about your email campaign set up and deciding between WordPress and Square space)
And these are the most common results:
Peace of mind from knowing you’re are on the right path
More profits, time, freedom, joy and self-expression
Stronger relationships
Better health and wellbeing
Step #1: Get clarity on what you need from a coach.
Jot down exactly what kind of help and support you think you need from a coach. Write freely knowing you’re the only person that’s going to read this. It will help you bring forward thoughts and feelings you may have not thought about before.
Describe your best-case scenario for a coach. Do you need someone patient and supportive or someone edgy who challenges you? Maybe it’s a combination of both! Get clear on the coaching style you like best so when you’re talking to coaches you have a better idea of who will be the right fit.
Also, make sure to think of deal breakers. Figure out what days and times work best for you. Think about the length of sessions you would like and how many times you’d like to meet on a weekly or monthly basis.
For example, working with a coach over the phone has been proven to be the most effective as it limits many distractions and saves travel time. Therefore, you may not want to contact coaches who meet in person only.
Step #2: Begin your search.
Perform an online search for a business coach or maybe coaches with a narrow specialty if that’s what you need, like a writing coach if you’re a writer. See what comes up organically.
If you’re coming up empty, try thinking of people around you who you look up to and ask if they know a coach that they can recommend. You’d be surprised how many people have their own coach.
Step #3: Narrow your results based on these criteria.
Find an independent coach with their own practice and website. They’ll be able to relate to you as an entrepreneur. Big names in the coaching industry have a team of coaches under their brand who work for them. You’ll probably be assigned to talk to a coach without knowing much about them personally. They may have gone through a specific training which is a plus but they also have sales quotas. If that coach is given a “lead” they’ll need to convert it to a client and then hope it’s a good fit. Independent coaches, on the other hand, tend to be more motivated to help you because they want to and because they feel it’s a good fit.
Next, look for coaches who offer a complimentary session, consultation, or a strategy call. Get an idea of what a session will be like if you can. What you want from an “exploration” call is an opportunity to experience coaching with that person and get a feel for what being their client would be like.
Then you’ll want to check out their reviews on Google or Yelp. Hearing from their other clients is a great way to learn about what they offer and what they’ve found valuable.
Also, make sure that they have a consistent internet presence. You should be able to check out social profiles like LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram in addition to their website. It’s great to be able to get a little impression of the person before you pick up the phone.
Their website should provide some essential information about what kind of coaching they do. A coach who is constantly honing their craft will make sure to show something about themself on their website, including their credentials.
An ICF coaching certification is a gold standard. It often takes a long time to accumulate coaching hours to be able to claim those credentials, so check in with your coach if they are in that process of becoming an ACC or a PCC. If they are an MCC, there’s a good chance they also have years of coaching experience.
Of course, there are exceptions to the rule. I’ve had an okay experience working with a certified coach (actually it was straight up disappointing) and I’ve mentored brilliant coaches with no formal coach-specific training who made a huge difference for their clients. A call should help you find all of that out.
Just remember: you are the one doing the hiring. You need the coach to help you with your needs. Don’t fall into any people-pleasing traps.
Step #4: Prepare a list of questions to ask your coach.
Usually, coaches have lots of consultation calls under their belt and they should be able to lead the call smoothly. Most of the time, you can expect them to ask you a lot of questions mixed up with information about their business. However, being prepared will help you to remember to ask the essentials in case they forget to cover something. Also, it will help you later when you are comparing coaches.
Ultimately, you should be able to “feel” if someone is the right fit for you. Still, it will be nice to have some data to compare. Here are a few questions you can ask:
Tell me why you became a coach.I was recently caught off guard by a prospect, and I loved that she asked that. My motivation spoke greatly to why I am in this line of work and helped her get to know and trust me.
What happens on a usual coaching call?
Who is your ideal client, what type of clients do you usually work with?
What is your coaching style?
Would I be able to read references or contact some of your clients? Maybe you found a coach on social media, they had a great website but they don’t have enough reviews, or for some reason, you’re not 100% sure they’ll serve the needs you have. Speaking with other clients can be a great resource of information.
What are some of your client’s recent victories?
If you feel things are going well, then you can discover more on “how things work” by asking about their prices, cancellation policies, and how you begin and stop working with them.
Feel free to ask more questions but this will give you a good idea of what this coach is all about.
Step #5: Pay attention to great coach clues.
Remember that a great coach asks a ton of questions. As coaches, we need to know WHO you are, WHERE you want to go and WHO are you willing to become to achieve your goals. A great coach will ask you a lot of open-ended questions that will get you thinking and saying: “What a great question!”
A coach should show some signs of excitement when they tell you about the benefits of coaching and when they hear about your goals. Us coaches are strong believers in our service, and I’m sure you’ll be able to catch that excitement if you are working with someone who finds joy in what they do.
You don’t want to work with someone who is bored, overworked, or just not passionate about coaching. You also want to feel as they take a genuine interest in what you want to accomplish and you want to feel their excitement to become part of your journey.
Sometimes you’re better off working with someone with less experience but tons of enthusiasm than with an expert who isn’t caring.
Step #6: Watch for red flags.
A coach who isn’t trying to get to know you or your goals and is focusing the call on telling you why you should work with them is a red flag. Unfortunately, once I heard a coach say that they offer prospects a “strategy” call which she explained is actually a “sales” call. Nothing wrong with selling your services, however not being transparent always rubs me the wrong way.
Another possible concern is if the coach goes right into problem-solving for you and starts listing suggestions for your goals. At first, it may seem as they are delivering a great deal of value because they are giving you new ideas, BUT a great coach has a much bigger job than to offer you a buffet of solutions.
A great coach will first identify the need you are trying to satisfy. Then, when it’s clear what’s really going on, they’ll support you in finding solutions so you can move forward. Often, what we perceive to be the problem isn’t really it. If a coach rolls up her sleeves and starts problem-solving (most new coaches would) they miss the big picture and the root cause. In a way, they are just treating the symptoms. So the actual problem never goes away and keeps reappearing.
So if you ask a coach a direct question and they say “What do you think?,” don’t get annoyed. Pat yourself on the back for picking a well-trained professional.
I hope this guide was helpful. I’m only one email away if you have any questions 🙂
If you are looking to expand your consciousness, gain a larger perspective, or deepen your understanding of spirituality, connection to yourself, and the universe, you may want to begin with these books.
They are well known and respected in the self-help, personal development, and spiritual growth communities. Their authors are exceptional and fascinating; they are considered the thought leaders of our time. In the past 4 years, I’ve read over 40 of these types of books, and I have another 40 on my “To Read” list.
I’ve grown passionate about transforming my life experience and curating an extraordinary life. I absolutely grew to love learning about spirituality, lessons from spiritual masters of different backgrounds, and overall the collective wisdom. As a life coach and someone who has been binging on books, podcasts, and all things spiritual growth, I can confidently state that you can’t go wrong with any of these classics.
If you want to explore this field, gain new perspective, purpose, and peace of mind, I strongly recommend starting with these:
The Universe Has Your Back: Transform Fear to Faith, by Gabrielle Bernstein
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, by Eckhart Tolle
The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself, by Michael A. Singer
The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, by don Miguel Ruiz
The Seat of the Soul, by Gary Zukav
Please, let me know which one you want to check out!