Being a good listener is a great communication skill that will help you establish strong
relationships and be more successful. Being a better listener can help you with your
personal relationships but it could be one of your superpowers at work as well. so here are the 5 ways to be a better listener.
By implementing these 5 easy ways to be a better listener you’ll reap many benefits like being
liked, being trusted, and feeling connected to. When people feel heard, they feel respected
and understood, and that builds up a connection. Most of the human experience is about
wanting to feel connected.
The most successful leaders, coaches, realtors, and even
hostage negotiators leverage their listening skills to be more successful.
Often, our default setting is listening to find a way to respond and persuade or to wait for our
turn to speak.
One of the important things to remember when we talk about listening is that when we listen
to someone else, we need to focus on understanding them and being present to what’s
being said. It’s important to keep our own thoughts quiet and not to worry about responding.
The best way to build our relationships is from that kind of listening.
Here are the 5 easy ways to help you become a better listener:
1. Body language
Be hyper aware of what you face and body are showing to the person you’re listening to- are
you making eye contact, nodding your head to show that you’re listening, do you have open
body (uncross your arms and legs whenever possible), are you leaning in a bit towards the
speaker, are you turning your body towards to the person speaking? Pay attention to your facial
expressions and show that you’re engaged. Of course, looking around, playing with your
phone or fidgeting around are signs of boredom so try to stay as focused on the person as
you can. If you feel like you’re getting distracted, you can get back to being focused by
getting really present to the words being used, the tone, the speed of speech and to their
body language. When you set this as a goal, you’ll find it easier to stay focused.
2. Wait a few seconds after someone has finished speaking to start talking
One of the golden rules of life coaching is to wait about 3 seconds after my clients have
finished speaking to respond or to start talking. It’s not easy and sometimes it feels awkward.
But time and time again, I’ve seen amazing results from this practice- people tend to
continue speaking if allowed space and often share the most important bits of
information after you’ve made that pause.
I know that sometimes we really can’t wait to make a comment or ask another question but you’ll be pleasantly surprised how much you’ll
be rewarded if you just leave more “space” in the conversation. It makes the speaker feel
like what they’re saying matters and once they feel like you’re allowing them to continue to
speak, they’ll share more of what their thoughts and beliefs are. Then, they’ll feel a stronger
connection to you because they’ll feel heard and understood.
3. Don’t finish people’s sentences no matter how enticing it is.
This one is short and sweet- just let people find their own words no matter how slow of a
speaker they are. When I was younger I loved offering up words from my vocab but with time
I learned that when we do this we strip off some of the trust and intimacy we’ve built up with
that person. We seem impatient and not as interested. When you allow that extra time for
people to speak, they’ll see that you’re really interested in what they have to say. And that’s
great listening skills 🙂
4. Ask more clarifying questions to make sure you understand
When you ask more questions, you show the person your genuine interest and that you’re
willing to spend more time on making sure you understand them. That makes people feel
important and like they matter to you. Even if you feel like you’ve got what they were trying to
say, just asking a question to make sure you got them “right” will boost your relationship with
this person. And you may be surprised how many times it would turn out that you didn’t get
perfectly right what they were trying to say.
Think of conversations like peeling onions. You’ll
stay on the surface if you don’t ask questions but if you want to deepen the relationship,
you’ll need to ask more questions to get closer to the core.
Bonus points: start your questions with the word “What” and not “Why”. For example: What
is it about this that’s important to you? vs Why is this important to you? What is asking for
more depth and Why is asking for their reasons which could seem like you’re questioning
their motivations.
5. Acknowledge the speaker and thank them for their openness to share
It’s not only good manners to thank someone for the conversation but you’ll show them that
this interaction was meaningful to you. Also, you’ll acknowledge the fact that being open and
vulnerable to share your thoughts, feedback or opinion is not always easy. Everyone likes
a reward for their courage to share and therefore makes them more likely to do it
again. Moreover, by thanking people you’ll make them feel good about this interaction. The
better people feel around you the stronger your relationship with them will be.
I hope you enjoyed these 5 easy ways to be a better listener. If you like learning about
communication skills, you’ll probably like this post I wrote about recently about another easy
way to improve your communication skills.
As usual, I’m staying available for your comments or questions 🙂 Reach out at
info@coachkalina.com or schedule your complimentary consultation by clicking here.
Improving your communication skills could be a very vague idea- what does it even mean? Talking and explaining more? Having a better delivery or proper body language? Asking more questions? When we are overwhelmed by a topic we tend to just do nothing at all.
But there is one way to quickly improve your communication skills that will help you build a strong foundation and that is finding out what is your own communication style. You can easily do an assessment online to determine what are the ways you naturally relate to people.
Then, you can learn more about the other main types of communication styles. There are assessments that will teach you how the other types are different and also how to communicate best with them. Stay with me for a few more paragraphs to find out what are the best ways to improve your communications skills quickly through learning about communication styles.
Why do we care about communication styles?
You probably have a specific reason in mind to why you want to improve your communication skills. Excellent communication skills can take you far into your business or career but are also essential in every relationships. One main reason we “miscommunicate” or get misunderstood is not always the quantity of communication but the quality of it.
We are often unaware of how our partner or boss prefers to communicate. By learning more about communication styles you’ll expand your awareness and you’ll be able to pay attention in the future so you can achieve better results.
For example, I am an initiating communication style or thepromoter depending on the assessment, and I like a little bit of conversation and connection before I get down to business. I like to be in a fun and light environment for me to thrive. On the other hand the directive style, are results-oriented, focused and competitive. When I work with people with this style I adapt by cutting down the small talk and focusing on efficiency and structure.
A goal of understanding your communication style preferences is to communicate with others in a way that is comfortable and effective.
How to pick the right communication style assessment for you?
Your first step is to determine what kind of assessment you’d benefit from the most. Start with answering the question- what are your goals? If you are in a leadership role and you’ll need to be a better communicator and leader, you may need a more in-debt and detailed assessment with more information. You can talk to the person you directly report to or your mentor in your organization and find out if there are any tools they are already using. You can also search the internet for leadership assessments.
If you are just starting your career and you need a basic understanding of your communication style to help you grow and also learn what your strengths and weaknesses are, you can begin with a simple online search for assessments and pick one that works for you. I suggest completing several different free assessments to get a more well-rounded perspective.
How to use the information?
First, take a note to your strengths and attributes. Remember that you are probably a combination of different types so try to be objective and list all the attributes you exhibit consistently.
Think of ways how you can leverage and continue to strengthen your superpowers. Make a list of new ways that you can benefit from what comes to you naturally and see what is your potential. Think of opportunities that you may have if you develop your strengths even further. Focus on creating a development plan that would be a natural continuation and growth from what you are working with.
Next, make a list of the perceived challenges or weaknesses. Based on your goals, determine which of them you’d like to improve. Make sure you are wearing your “growth mindset” hat and be open to the feedback you get from the assessments. By making small steps towards improving on your weaknesses, you’ll develop a more well-rounded communication style that’s adaptive and it produces results. Being aware of the way you speak, write, listen and your body language can be one of your biggest personal assets.
For example, people with my personality type could be perceived as talkers and not listeners. I’ve worked hard on allowing plenty of space for others to speak in my presence. Ironically, as a certified coach I speak very little to my clients. I focus on asking questions and making short statements. Because of the awareness I’ve gained through exploring my communication style, and then the changes I’ve made, I am able to be a supportive and inspiring coach for my clients.
Practical ways to improve your communication style
Hobbies-once you’ve identified the ares you’d like to work on- think of old hobbies you may to continue to invest time in or to pick up new ones that will promote strengthening your specific skills. For example- I am a learner. Therefore, I continue to develop that superpower by having a reading practice and watching interesting podcasts that help me learn more things I’m passionate about.
Relationships- think of people who would be supportive partners on this journey. Are there people with a complementing communication style that you can be closer with? Do you need to make more friends with similar goals so you could keep yourself accountable?
Networking- joining different groups and organizations will help you flex your communication muscles and get plenty of practice.
Working with a coach- working with a coach could be a great way to grow personally and professionally. As coaches, we listen to the way you think, speak and show up in the world and we reflect it back to you in a constructive way. One of the ways I help my clients with is to point out to the way they are speaking or thinking and 9/10 times they are surprised to hear that that’s the way they’re landing- sometimes it’s enthusiasms and energy, sometimes they speak shyly and more quiet. Having a coach could help you improve your communication skills so you can have more meaningful relationships and more professional success. Schedule a free consultation by clicking HERE.